Dear Red States,
We’ve decided we’re leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we’re taking the other Blue States with us. In case you don’t own a map, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New
California.
To sum up briefly:
We get stem cell research and the best beaches. You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole’ Miss.
We get 85 percent of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition’s, we get
a bunch of happy families. You get a whole lot of teenage pregnancies, single moms, deadbeat dads, and no one to blame but yourselves for pushing that travesty called “Abstinence Only Education”.
Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we’re going
to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need more troops for some insane war that makes you poorer and the rich richer, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they’re apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don’t care if you don’t show pictures of their children’s caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up eventually, but we’re not willing to spend our resources in Bush’s Quagmire.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country’s fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95 percent of America’s quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, most of the organic, healthy *real food* in the country, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), genetically engineered food by Monsanto, 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90
percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of
all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, and Bob Jones University.
We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we’re discussing the death penalty, abortion providers, homosexuals, Muslims, or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is
only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you
crazy bastards actually believe you are people with higher morals than we are.
By the way, we’re taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they
grow in Mexico.
Yours in Departure,
The Blue States
* I have no idea where this came from. It was forwarded to me in an email from one of my wonderful left wing friends. I have no idea whether the stats are correct (although they sound about right to me). I simply HAD to blog this. It’s just too good. It gave me a good giggle. (But I really think it’s a good idea too… Viva La Revoloution!!!!)
