Okay, most of you guys know that although I share my rants n raves, as well as brief or poetic bits about my serious life stuff, when things are really rough, I just don’t write.

Is that a product of me hangin’ my ass out here in blogolandia and maybe feeling just a little too vulnerable?

Is it perhaps just my false ego wanting you all to think I’m cooler and calmer and happier than I really am?

You know, it is prolly a little bit of both of those, but it’s also a bit of discretion when the drama includes family members that I don’t feel too cool about airing their dirty laundry in public, (along with the fear that said family might read this blog!  Haha!).

Most of all though, an interesting thing has happened with my writing through the years.  When I was a young girl, and even a young woman, it seemed that my muse was only sparked by fear, sadness and anger.  I never felt inspired to write when I was happy or filled with wonder, and couldn’t seem to keep a regular journal no matter how hard I tried!  I actually gave up for years because it was so depressing to look back through my old journals and see nothing but my sadness.  I mean, I knew there was plenty of happy between the sad, I just never wrote it down!  What kind of miserable person would folks reading my journals (upon or after my death, of course), think I was?
But these days, things have changed.  I really don’t want to write about the crap- the hardships, the sorrow, the pain or drama in my life; at all!  It’s like

Shit, I’m living it, why in hell would I want to wallow in writing about it?  I’ll go hang some laundry or do some crafts or whatever!!

So yes, I’ve been quiet this last week because my life has been simply chock full-o-drama, here at Pair-O-Dykes Ranch!

I have mentioned that I have a sister in law (figuratively speaking- fucking Prop 8) and 2 teenage nephews living here on the ranch.

One of the nephews, 15, (call him “Metro”), is a doll.  He’s a normal teenage boy who gets into trouble as all teens will do, (fixed it, Tengrain! *wink) but nothing over the top, ya know?

The other one, 16, (call him “Sullen”) is a kid with a whole shitload of problems.  We have tried everything with this kid.  Sullen has been in therapy, in anger management.  He goes to church (whatever!). But he has just continued down a rough road.  He’s a thief- he broke into my mom’s house, stole from me n the GirlyBoi, then burglarized my neighbor.

That was pretty much the last straw for me.  He wasn’t allowed in my house without an escort, and wasn’t supposed to be anywhere on the property but his family’s area or the back 40.

A week ago Sunday, the little shit got into it with his Momma (again) screaming and cussing at her (I’d have knocked the crap outta him) and then split because he didn’t care to do as she asked.  Finally, Momma called the cops when he left (on the advice of the therapist, which came about a year after the “Evil Auntie”- your truly; advised the same thing).

Well shit.  Seems there was a warrant from 2001 (back when the boys’ momma had her trouble) that somehow the system burped out and they freaking arrested my sister in-law!!! She has been out of prison for over 5 years.  She has done nothing but right, got her kids back goes to work and school, therapy and rehabilitation, and has gone through hell with that oldest boy.

Now I can almost hear ya’ll saying “well, that’s why the boy is the way he is, if his momma was in jail”, and you’re right.  Momma’s mistakes affected the kids- no doubt.  But this kid has made up his mind to be angry and not to utilize any of the many opportunities for change and healing and growth that he’s been given these last 5 years.  I mean, check it out- my niece is a scholarship student at UCLA pulling a 4.0, and Metro is the sweetest boy you could imagine.  Sullen has had lots of choices and the one’s he’s made have all been the wrong ones.

So anyway, as the cops are taking momma away, Sullen stands right there in front of the cops and refuses to follow our rules while his momma’s gone and the cops decide to leave him here on his own.

To make a long story short… (kinda) the whole last week was spent dealing with this little shit, cops, and court.

The upshot is that Sullen is now in foster care, (we reported him as a runaway- we didn’t care to be responsible for the crimes he might commit) his momma got out of jail Monday; the DA threw the case out immediately- well, immediately is a relative term since they kept the poor thing in jail for a week, (and that is a whole nother story!), and we’re all hoping that the boy won’t be coming back here.  The therapist told his momma to have him emancipated; he turned 17 yesterday and has 3 citations for stealing and burglary (of course, they didn’t take him to jail), and he wants to live on his own terms, so momma’s gonna let him.

I tell ya.  We’ve had this place since 1965 and have never had a thief here.  It’s been hell.  I hope it’s over, but at least it’s over for now.

Pair-O-Dykes ranch is happy again.  Time for me to get out and plant some tomato seeds in my lil seed starting greenhouse.  I’ll take pics.

Peace, out!

It’s Only the Good Friday!

What is it?: Only The Good Friday
When is it?: Every doggone Friday
What do you post?: Anything you want, as long as it’s “good”–meaning “not negative.”
How do I join? Write a post. Link back to Only the Good Friday at This Eclectic Life

Pick up a banner made by yours truly here, if you want!

What’s good in Thorne’s World today?

Well, what isn’t? Haha! Really, a positive outlook can change the way we view things, can’t it?  That is exactly what Shelly’s new meme has done for me.  Really!  It’s kinda crazy, but as Friday approaches (it hasn’t fully bled over into my whole week… I’m still pretty much a bitch Monday through Wednesday or so) I really start catching myself and calling myself out on some of my bitchiness; my negative thinking and the power of my words.  I really start looking for ways to turn it around; to find the good.

Today, it’s all good!  First of all, I got to sleep in.  I just love that, don’t you? Then, I got voicemail from a friend who had called while I slept and called her back to have a killer visit!  You know the kind- one of those blurt and listen; share and interrupt- laugh and bemoan kinda visits that are just so…good!  My GirlyBoi got off work early which is always a good way to start the weekend, and poured me a fresh cuppa coffee while I visited on the phone, which is so good; to have a partner that’s not so needy and clingy or pushy that you have to drop whatever you’re doing to attend to them.  I adore that Girl o mine.  She rocks!

I have a bit of tattoo work to do tomorrow, which is good for my heart and spirit and my pocket, and I enjoy the client’s company so another good visit to boot!

Yep. The weather is gorgeous and the front door is wide open streaming in fresh air and sunshine and all is well in Thornesworld.  Life is GOOD!

That’s OtGF in Thornesworld for today!

Peace, Out!

Remember that movie?  With Robin Williams.  Man, that movie kicked my emotional ass.  It came out within a year or so of my Jerry’s passing.  My Soulmale; my husband.  Well, anyway.  Last night and early this morning was a time like that.

I couldn’t sleep, but I was emotionally fine.  Bloghopping and playing computer games while watching Gorilla’s in the Mist (another great movie!).  Before I knew it, it was 3 AM and I knew if I didn’t get a lil sleep I’d be fucked today.  So, wide awake, I whined a lil as I shut down my Mac, turned the light off and tried to get comfy for sleep.

Bam!

It was like a light switch turned on in my head!  All of a sudden it was as if every one of the recent horrible moments of my life began playing like a video loop in my head.  I saw myself at the Integratron the moment my daughter called and told me our Lil Pharoah had stopped breathing… felt myself driving 120 miles an hour over a winding desert highway, with my mouth so dry I felt like I was choking on dust and a knot in my stomach that felt like ten tons of radioactive waste.

Flash forward to my baby… my precious daughter on her knees retching and dry heaving and crying and screaming “Noooo…. I want my son back.  Give him back to me”, while we knelt beside her, her husband and I stroking her hair and sobbing.

To his tiny cremains…

To my daughter’s beautiful face that now wears the shadow of this loss.

Fuck!  I was like, what the fuck is going on?  Where did this come from?  I struggled with my mind and heart, tried to divert myself with meditation, with to-do lists for today, with what I would make for dinner, the next blog post I would write…

It was no good.  My head just kept playing those awful tapes, along with a couple more that are too awful to even write.  Playing them over and over and over.

This used to happen to me after Jerry died, too.  But somehow last night, and my daughter’s pain, made it so much worse.

The last time I looked at the clock it was about 4:30, so I finally went to sleep.  I awakened this morning around 9AM, with echoes of the nights visions, but they were distant and foggy; much more like the memories of those awful days that I have been accustomed to living with.

At 10AM my daughter called me on her break.  “Mom, me n A. had a hella night!” she said. “We went to bed early but we tossed and turned, both of us, all night.  When we woke up this morning we both felt like we hadn’t slept at all- like we’d had bad dreams all night but couldn’t remember them”.

I’m so fucking grateful that they couldn’t remember them.