So I opened my email this am to find yet another loving note from yet another incredible friend from the blogosphere. Although I have ceased, after some 13 or so years around cyberspace, to be surprised or amazed by the deep friendships I have made with the wonderful people I have encountered I am no less grateful. Perhaps these days I am even more grateful, due to my physical isolation her in our beautiful (but ofttimes lonely) desert.
Betmo is a tough gal who is hell on wheels on politics, the environment and religion, but she has a heart of gold. The email she sent this morning evoked a response of more self examination in me. Or, I should say, the ordering of it. Do you all know what I mean?? When your thoughts and feelings mull around within you, but need to be expressed in words to gel, somehow? That’s what happened for me when I responded to her email. I thought about reworking my response to make it more suitable for my blog, and then decided what the hell. I’ll just post B.’s letter (and out her for the sweetheart she really is), along with my response. This one’s a keeper… for me, anyway.
On Oct 2, 2007, at 6:31 AM, Betmo wrote:
i had a big ole’ long comment to your post on how old and crazy you are :-) and it isn’t there. basically i said that it is no wonder you are having difficulty coping with stuff- your plate is full. the zoloft was for situational depression and that isn’t what you have going on right now- it’s just good old fashioned unadulterated stress. so there. life has a way of working itself out- and it’s about the journeys to get places not actually getting there. you seem to learn something out of each trial and tribulation that presents itself and i have no doubt that you will be fine. you love and are loved- and that’s what makes the difference. or something to that effect. my brilliance can’t be duplicated :-) get yourself back into the game sister- you have talent and you need to share it. loved the witch by the way- that was cool. :-)
My response follows:
Hey, sweetie,
I got your comment! I even commented back! What’s got you is the Mr Linky Comment form. you can put comments there (they read: “comments” or on blogger, which reads: “old blogger comments” You are under “old blogger comments”, as is my response back to you!!! But thank you so much for trying to duplicate your original genius for me!
I’m a spoiled person, B. LOL I know you don’t do the “God or Higher Power” thing, but my spirituality is so second nature to me that I live by my spiritual tenets so much that I don’t usually even have to think about it. My spirituality is a very earth and nature oriented thing that includes the practical applications of meditation and “prayer” (if you will…. i don’t call it that, although many do. In AA we say “Prayer is talking to Gd, and meditation is listening) For me things like doing the dishes, gardening, hanging laundry (did you see that recent post?? LOL) are meditative. They are the times when I pretty much automatically become still inside and hear my answers; when my mouthy conscious mind is still enough to allow me access to the wisdom of my higher self.
Anyway, I’m rambling. What I mean to say is that sometimes BECAUSE I live a magickal lifestyle that IS so second nature to me, when my mind and spirit become too overloaded on too much life crap, I kinda lose it. LOL. I find myself so busy trying to “FIX” my life, that I lose track of my center, and get a lil crazy.
I’ve had hormonal and endocrine imbalances most of my life. Until my “breakdown” a year and 4 months after the death of my husband, I’d always pretty much managed it using meditative techniques and self will. (And self medicating, of course, but I’d been sober almost 10 years when he died) When the Z was prescribed for me, it made sense. It treats: clinical depression, OCD, panic/anxiety disorder and PTSD among other things, all of which had gone extreme after his death, due to the PTSD knocking my ailing brain chemicals even further out of whack. Getting on the Z was SUCH a relief!!! It didn’t FIX anything… it just felt like “I” was back. Me; the Me I knew. the one who had the ability to process my grief and do life on life’s terms.
What I’m trying to say is that when I began this crying every day, it pushed some panick buttons. I feared I was spiralling out of control. The every day crying was what happened 9+ years ago when I nearly turned the steering wheel of my truck into an oncoming semi at 90 mph. THAT was when I called and decided that I needed some chemical help for my chemical imbalance. I’m a lil whacko, but I’ve NEVER been a suicidal whacko!! (Homicidal…maybe! LOL) So I guess THAT was the fear: that yes, I have alot of life shit going on, but I didn’t feel like I was “processing” it, (it felt more like it was “processing” me!! LOL I have this image of my brain and heart in a blender…)
So, in a nutshell, between the lifestuff building up to the point that I “forgot” to meditate or do any of the inner work I usually do as naturally as breathing, and the daily crying, I feared that lowering my Z might just not be in order. LOL. Having come out the other side of this through the apparent catharsis of writing about it (another tool), and then picking up some of my other well used tools (I did a shitload of laundry and worked in the garden and yard a bit), I’m thinking that my lower dose of Z is just fine for now; although I doubt I’ll be going any lower for awhile (just in case). Of course it also helps a bit that my wonderful tattoo client and her partner (who are also becoming our friends) are indeed coming up this weekend in their RV. It will be lovely to spend time with another lesbian couple (they are few and far between out here), hang out and socialize as well as do my art and make some money. So now that I’ve written you this huge email with more than you ever wanted to know about Thorneslife, I think I’ll cross post it at my blog. Thank you so much for caring enough to write, and for inspiring yet another self examination!
Love,
Thornie
