Do you see all these relatively new “Depression Hurts” commercials on TV?? And the Fibromyalgia spots? Ads by drug companies that want you to take their meds. Well, I could go on a long rant about how sad it is that only those who stand to make a boatload of money have gotten on the ball with accepting and acknowledging what those of us suffering from these things have known (and tried, often unsuccessfully) to tell our doctors for years, but that’s a topic for another post.
*I wonder at this spinning, searching mind of mine. I know exactly what I want to write about when I boot. And that I need to write what is personally relevant to me right now. Is it an indication of healing that my head spins off on sub topics like sexism [yesterday], or what’s wrong with our health care, [today]?? Or are these my subconscious attempts to avoid the issue of writing about me, for me, to heal??
My concern today is my pain. I was (finally- after 2 years) diagnosed with FMS (fibromyalgia) in 2002. It has been a long haul, but over the years I have gotten it pretty much under control, and learned to live with it. I know that I have to monitor my rest and diet, my physical activity and be kinda careful or I risk a flare-up that can knock me down pretty hard.
Stress plays a major role in my pain levels, and of course depression has its nasty little hands in the pot, too. After we lost Bishop in October it was about 2-3 weeks before I noticed the elevated pain levels continuing to rise and impact my movement, but it was manageable. I wrote my NaNo novel in November, and though grieving deeply, somehow managed to get out of bed every day and function. Through the holidays my emotional and physical state grew progressively worse, but only by tiny and almost unnoticeable degrees.
With the FMS I have been accustomed to periodically spending a day a week in bed due to overexertion during high stress times, even to suffering the reasonably frequent Flare-Up that might knock me down for a few days every couple months or so. (Usually due to my choices- working too hard in the garden, staying up late too many days in a row, neglecting to take my vitamins or spending too much time in a car). But when I don’t have big stress or depression, I can go weeks without even a small flare up. This is not to say that my old back and hips don’t hurt; they do. Every day I have to get up and move around a bit before I know how bad it’s going to be, and many days my back requires a 2 hour soak in a hot bath. But I manage, and I have overall a pretty full and satisfying life despite my so called “disability”.
Today, my back is screaming and my hip joints feel like they’re full of ground glass. I’m not complaining; hehe- this is what is. It was pretty bad yesterday too, but I managed to get up and move around a bit. I did some laundry and puttered in the yard for about a half hour.
As I wend my way toward my point for today filling in backstory, I have gotten out of bed, had 2 cups of coffee, medicated and fed Grama breakfast, uncovered my birds and fed them, gotten dressed and made my bed. Grama and the birds get taken care of mornings no matter what. No matter pain, depression or the flu or whatever. But in the last months it has been too easy to let my physical pain stop me from even getting dressed or making my bed. To use pain as an excuse to “take it easy”.
I have, in spurts since the first of the year, forced myself to get dressed and do some housework, laundry and cook; to go out grocery shopping or go visit F and A, but have been unable to sustain a desire to move. It’s been sporadic at best, and I have spent days at a time in bed.
Pain, depression, fibromyalgia, stress.
I know I need to be a bit gentle with myself right now. I have a tendency to be really hard on myself, having high expectations of what/who I should be. It was really hard to learn and accept that I have physical limitations with the FMS, and my ego took a beating in the process, but I learned. Now that I’ve decided to pull myself somehow from this depression I have to be careful to do what I can, but not try to just soldier on and fake it.
Today’s pain levels beg the questions: “Am I capable of moving and doing today?” “Is my pain today an excuse to stay down and wallow in depression or escapism with a computer game or book?” These are difficult questions for me. In actuality they always have been even when I wasn’t depressed and before I had FMS. I remember after I first got sober in 1988 I discovered that I found it impossible to give myself permission to be lazy. That I would manufacture an illness, a mild one, flu or cold or stomach ache, in order to allow myself to take it easy for a day. When I recognized this it was pretty easy with a little diligence to use self talk to change this behavior.
It’s not easy now. I am currently unable to discern whether my pain is at a level to require my staying down, or whether the depression has me trying to manipulate reality to suit it. To keep me in bed with an “excuse”.
Oy to the Vey. Haha. What a pain in the ass. So here’s the deal in Thorne’s world today. During the week, when my GirlyBoi is working, I am getting up. Period. I may not be able to stay up, but I’m getting up, getting dressed and making my bed (to make it a little harder to just hide under the covers). This is a technique that I used when adjusting to the FMS pain. Just get up, get dressed and make my bed. Try to move around a little. Do one thing. If I can, do another. Hopefully this will help me identify whether it’s really that painful of a day.
But if I hurt too much, or just can’t move out of the desire to hide or rest or whatever this depression has me doing, I’m going to try to see it and be honest with myself. And I’m NOT going to beat myself up. If I can only bring myself to do one or two things, I’m going to let that be enough for now.
I’m going to go sweep the floor in the bird room now. We’ll just have to see what the rest of the day brings.
