Posts tagged ‘baby’

So here I am. Home, alone. My precious GirlyBoi at work, the kids in thier new home. And I miss that little man so much. He was rarely here during the week; still the kids would pop in to pick up mail and whatnot, and I’d get to see his beautiful smiling face for a few minutes. Watch his face light up as he recognized me. Lift him from his carseat/carrier and cuddle or play with him briefly.

The tuesday before his death was such a day. I was really happy they had come by, as I’d gotten a handful of fun new toys/teethers and what pass for rattles today for him. They are such cool toys; bright colors, a mixture of textures and shapes to stimulate little minds, cute little noises (soft coos and giggles…not the shrill sounds of Fawn’s baby-hood that were so irritating). And clothes. Some lil long sleeved onsies in green and gold with decorative stitching and a tan pair of soft cotton pants to match. And a lil man’s outfit! Oh, my! A tiny collared button down shirt; white with thin black and red plaid lines with a black and grey and red pullover v-necked sweater with black corderoy pants. It was my thought originally to keep those things here for Bishop on the weekends when he was usually with me and Grammy. A few things for him here.

He was groggy from the long car ride and it took him a second to focus as I said “There’s my precious man! Do you have a smile for your Grama, handsome?”, then his face lighted up with a laughing smile and he raised his chubby lil arms to me to be picked up. How could I resist my lil prince? I opened his seatbelt and lifted him saying, “You love your Grama don’t you” and I swore that beautiful baby said, “Ahh Luh You”. (I blew it off as a Grama’s over-active imagination, even though we all were sure that those would be his first words. We all said it to him so often. The morning after he passed, the kids told me he’d started saying it that week. “I love you”. Bless his heart; I didn’t imagine it.)

I picked him up and sat with him on the loveseat in the livingroom. I asked the kids to help me open his new toys. He sat on my lap, straddling one leg and gripping my thigh with his little legs. He sat up on his own, with no support and cooed and laughed and hollered (He was very expressive, and loud, as are we all!) as he tried out each of his new toys. Of course they all went into his mouth. He loved the little bug that flashed as it cooed and made giggle and chirp and uh-oh baby sounds. And the circular red and black and white rattle with the spinning wheel. And the others, all. I’d also picked up a little strappy toy with spinning frogs and beads and mirror for the car seat. We fixed it to the car seat before we put him back in to go home. He loved them all so much, I ended up sending all but the little bug home with them for him. I kissed him and told him I loved him before they left, but he was too intrigued by his new toys to pay Grama much mind by then. The kids said they’d be back on the weekend.

Two weekends have now passed without my lil Pharoah here with me. My arms ache, literally. The weekends are the worst.

I can only imagine what my poor Fawn is going through. And Aaron. That precious baby was so loved. They were so attentive to him. Just loving him every second. For six short months their whole lives; every thought, each act, every decision, every moment- was filled with Bishop. What a huge gaping hole he has left in their lives; in all of us.

I’m trying hard to “do” my life. The joy of it has left me for the nonce. If my heart isn’t filled with grief for the loss of my lil Pharoah, it’s consumed with grief and worry for my Fawn and our Aaron. The future is a “don’t look” for me. The Holidays that I so love loom before me, bleak and joy-less. My holiday season begins with Hallowe’en. It’s the Witch’s New Year, and the most important ritual of the year for me, as I invite my dead; Jerry, my late husband and soulmale, ancestors and friends who have passed to join me for the Holidays. I honor them and their memories with food and drink, stories and mementos. I never dreamed that our lil Pharoah would be among their number. I can hardly bear to look at my Dia De Los Muertos Altar covered with white candles for Bishop’s remembrance. I was so excited about Bishop’s first Yule, and now I don’t know how we can survive it. I can’t think of these things right now. Back to house cleaning.

Love and deepest gratitude to all.

Oh, Dave.

Song: Seek Up
Artist: Dave Matthews Band

Fall back again, fall back again,Fall back again, fall back again

Oh, life it seems a struggle betweenwhat we see what we do.I'm not going to change my waysjust to please you or appease you.Well look at this crowd, five billion proudwilling to punch it outRright or wrong, weak, strongashes to ashes all fall down.Oh, Look around about this roundabout this merry-go-round and round.If at all god's gaze upon us fallsit’s with a mischievous grin, look at him.

Forget about the reason andand the treasons we are seeking.Forget about the notion thatour emotions can be kept at bay.Forget about being guilty,we are innocent instead,for soon we will all find our lives swept away

Oh look at me in my fancy carand my bank account,oh how I wish I could take it alldown to my grave god knows I’d save and save.Man, take a look again, take a look againthings you have collected.Well in the end it all piles up so tall to one big nothing, one big nothing at all.

Forget about the reason andthe treasons we are seeking.Forget about the notion thatOur emotions can be swept away, kept at bay.Forget about being guilty,we are innocent instead.For soon we will all find our lives swept away(You know how it is)

You seek up an emotionand your cup is overflowing.You seek up an emotion,sometimes your well is dry.You’re looking for a monsterFor him to fight your wars for you,But when he find his way to you, the devil's notGoing--ha, haHa haaa....

SayOh, say, awww...

Late at night with tv's hungry childhis belly swells.Well, for a price of a coke or a smokeI could keep alive those hungry eyes.Man, take a look again, take a look againtake a look again every day things changebut basically they stay the same.

Forget about the reason andand the treasons we are seeking.Forget about the notion thatour emotions can be kept at bay.Forget about being guilty,we are innocent instead.For soon we will all find our lives swept away

You seek up an emotionand your cup is overflowinghey, hey....awww.You seek up an emotionsometimes your well is dry awww... you yeah.You’re seek up a big monsterFor him to fight your wars for you ahhh yeaaahhh.But when he find his way to you, the devil's notGoing--ha, haHa haaa....

Fall back again, fall back again, (I said)Fall back again, fall back again

There are no words to encompass this.
Horror. Tragedy. Impossible.
They all seem to float around the edges flirting with the truth, but none truly approach it.

The awful: My grandson, my lil Pharaoh, our precious Egyptian Prince died night before last. A perfect being of incredible light and joy, created and nurtured in love; gone. He stopped breathing. We don’t know why.

Bereft, destroyed, devastated. More words that are mere ghosts of reality to describe my poor daughter, my Fawn and her husband, our Aaron in their loss.

Grama, (me); Grammy, (GirlyBoi); and Nana (A’s mom), are simply holding. Holding our babies, knowing we can’t heal this or fix this our protect our children from this- this random event.

What we are doing is this: Moving them into a little house nearby (instead of the 2 hours away from us in a weekly motel where they have been making their tiny budding family’s beginning). What we would like to do: support them for a month to allow them some little time to pull and hold together and grieve and heal without the worry of jobs and bills and money.

We ask, no beg, that in leiu of flowers or cards, that you send cash to help us do this. Please, please click the donation button in the right top of the sidebar to help these kids have a brief respite from the pressures of the world while they begin the healing.

The song that rings in my mind that tells what can be told:

The Space Between

-Dave Matthews Band

You cannot quit me so quickly
Is no hope in you for me
No corner you could squeeze me
But i’ve got all the time for you love

The space between
The tears we cry
is the laughter keeps us coming back for more
The space between
The wicked lies we tell and hope to keep safe from the pain

But will i hold you again

These fickle fuddled words confuse me
Like will it rain today
We waste the hours with talking talking
These twisted games we’re playing

We’re strange allies
With warring hearts
What a wild eyed beast you be

The space between
The wicked lies we tell
and hope to keep safe from the pain

Will i hold you again
Will i hold

Look at us spinning out in the madness of a rollercoaster
You know you went off like the devil in the church
In the middle of a crowded room
All we can do my love
Is hope we don’t take this ship down

The space between
Where you smile and hide
is where you’ll find me if i get to go

The space between
The bullets in our fire fight
is where i’ll be hiding waiting for you
The rain that falls
Splashed in your heart
Ran like sadness down the window into your room

The space between
Our wicked lies is
Where we hope to keep safe from pain

Take my hand
Cause we’re walking out of here
Oh, ohhh
Right out of here
Love is all we need dear

The space between
What’s wrong and right
Is where you’ll find me hiding
Waiting for you

The space between
Your heart and mine
Is the space we’ll fill with time

The space between
The space between