This blogging is tricky business sometimes, especially for those of us who have transitioned, or hope to transition, from keeping something of a public blog of our personal lives to something of greater appeal to more readers and that might provide some income.
In this process I first thought to make somehow less public the posts that I have written on grief, grieving and loss. Most especially the loss of my baby Grandson, my Lil Pharaoh, to SIDS on October 18, 2007, which in many ways is a very private thing.
To include these posts in any attempt to market or seek traffic felt ugly to me. I won’t cheapen my little one’s memory or my own grief in such a way.
Nonetheless as I found myself writing again of my Lil Pharaoh and my grief last week on what would have been his second birthday, I realized that that writing my truth is what Thorne’s World is all about, no matter what, and it occurred to me that if one reader; if one person lost and alone in mind numbing and soul searing grief is reaching out on the internet for help, for succor, or in the simple human need to connect… if one person finds one of my grief posts and feels somehow less alone- well, that’s really why I blog.
Grieving is, I have discovered, an ongoing process that does not follow a prescribed course, and that comes upon us often seemingly from nowhere. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
On this page you will find a series of links to my personal expressions of my own grief and loss.
You will also find some links to organizations and websites that I have personally found helpful in some way.
If you have found your way here through a loss or losses of your own, I offer you love and the simple knowledge that no matter how alone you may feel; you are not alone.
~~ Terese I. Hartjoy, October 26, 2009
As I decorated my altar dedicated to my beloved dead, to celebrate the day of his birth I sobbed and screamed and couldn’t seem to stop thinking that I should have been filling the house with balloons and streamers and making sure there was film and batteries in the camera while his birthday cake baked. …On Grieving and Grandsons and Good 10/24/09
There are no words to encompass this. Horror. Tragedy. Impossible. They all seem to float around the edges flirting with the truth, but none truly approach it.The awful: My grandson, my lil Pharaoh, our precious Egyptian Prince died night before last.…I Have No Words for This 10/20/07
So here I am. Home, alone. My precious GirlyBoi at work, the kids in their new home. And I miss that little man so much. He was rarely here during the week; still the kids would pop in to pick up mail and whatnot, and I’d get to see his beautiful smiling face for a few minutes. Watch his face light up as he recognized me. Lift him from his carseat/carrier and cuddle or play with him briefly.… …At Loose Ends – 11 Days 10/29/07
Dave seems to be the only music I can listen to right now. Some Indigo Girls, but it’s DMB that speaks to my soul; Dave who carries me through these empty days and nights. This song entitled “Hallowe’en” is a hard song to hear. Not because the lyrics are particularly appropriate or descriptive of my own pain right now, but because the rawness of the emotion is. …Halloween and Dave Matthews 10/29/07
There is no comfort for this- this pointless, random event. So how do I fit this into my “faith”, my “belief systems”? The same way, I suppose, that I fit all the other random and insane cruelty, and tragedy and horror into it. …Still No Answers 10/30/07
The Gods intervened in my usual choice of candles. The Virgin of Guadalupe’s blessings were required, as were St. Jude’s. I thought it odd, but have learned through the years that the Gods will have their way with me, whether I resist or acquiesce, so Saint Candles were the order of the evening. …Darkness Pierced by Sudden Shards of Overwhelming Brightness 11/02/07
Somehow, over time after my Jerry died, “widow” became not a title or mere description, but a part of my identity. I was a widow. It seemed somehow to state clearly who I was and there was some odd comfort and implied strength in that for me. It became part of my identity that I grew to accept and ultimately embrace. …Thoughts on Personal Identity 3/30/08
My feet are not the only thing I have been neglecting, although knowing well the importance of bathing even when depressed I have managed to do that every few days. I’m sure this was an effort to delude myself as well as my partner as to the true state of my mind, but there it is. …Foot Therapy 3/31/08
It was like a light switch turned on in my head! All of a sudden it was as if every one of the recent horrible moments of my life began playing like a video loop in my head. …What Dreams May Come
I’ve been recreating this altar recently, and making some small shrines and decorations for it, and had, for some reason, stopped. I don’t know if it got to be a little overwhelming, or if life-stuff got in the way, or both. … I Feel Better, Now
Prolly the only thing worse than being told how “strong” I was, was when someone would offer me some other meaningless platitude that I felt said more about their discomfort with my pain, than with any true desire to be of support or assistance. … You Can’t Fix Me
*note:
I’ll be updating this page as I’m able to wade through the feelings and memories associated with the posts I’m linking. If you seek more in the meantime, please do a tag search on “grief, grieving, death or loss”.
