You have heard me describe Pair – O – Dykes ranch like that, haven’t you?? As 40 acres of “scrub, scorpions and sand”? Did you think I was joking? I was cleaning out the deep freeze the other day and I came across this:

Can you see through that foggy, frosty, plastic peanut butter jar well enough to view the contents?? Bwahahahaha…
Ya know, that Pioneer Woman has a lot; but I’ll just bet ya she doesn’t have one of these.
A couple of Summers ago, my beautiful Son in Law moved back here to the ranch with my daughter.
Now, he’s a city boy- or he was before he lived here, and he learned about a few things while he did.
Most importantly, wear gloves. I won’t embarrass him by telling you that he jumped 3 feet in the air and screamed like a girl when he saw this little beauty; oh, wait- I just did! Hehehe. I think he’ll forgive me; he’s an awfully good natured young man, and he loves his crazy “Moms”. (Besides, I came running to his rescue when he hollered.) He was moving a stack of wood when this little guy charged him (or so he claims… *wink)

Spade: “OMG, Moms, will you look at that thing?”
Thornie: “That’s a good sized one. Maybe 5 inches from tail to teeth. hehe. Shall we keep him?”
I ran inside and grabbed my trusty kitchen tongs (yes, Shelly; out here they are good for more than turning bacon!) and the jar and grabbed the scorpion by the tail. He was kinda pissed, but he settled right down when I put him in the freezer. Cooled him off, you might even say.
Okay, okay… I can’t help it.
You might be the Anti – Pioneer Woman if…
…you keep a scorpion in the deep freeze.
Jest keepin’ it real in Thornesworld!
Peace, out!

… but not on my freaking head!!!

Oh my. So much for phase 2 of the great head change project! So I did have a good idea; I really did. It might’ve even looked cool- well, fun anyway, had my dark brown streaks worked out. Instead, this is what happened when I tried to mix the dark brown tint.

I mean, okay. So it looked a bit odd when I began squeezing it from the tube. Seemed a bit strange that it was whitish clear and kinda… lumpy lookin’, but when the other end exploded and it came out all slimy I had to think hard. I almost did it.

But I kept thinking of what happened to Shelly’s hands and feet from using the old lotion. I could all too easily envision my scalp breaking out and then beginning to shed and taking my hair with it.

So, I tossed it in the trash and decided to try to stretch my Loreal Copper Fury to cover my whole head. My hair usually takes 2 bottles, so I put an extra ounce of creme developer in the tint.

OOPS!

Oh well, at least it brings my green eyes out. Bwahahahahaaaa… (and yes; that is the sound of hysteria).

OMG, here comes Jeff again: You might be the Anti – Pioneer Woman if… your DIY head change turns out like this! Jest keepin’ it real in Thorne’s World! Peace, out!

… almost. Well, kinda. Tell me people, do you think that The Pioneer Woman has ever gotten stuck halfway through a head change?

It all started on Wednesday. My roots were screaming at me, I was a little down in the dumps from being soooo broke and I decided a head change was in order. If I can’t change what’s goin’ on inside, I might as well change the outside, eh?

Can you imagine Ree Drummond scrambling through a box of old beauty products (despite Shelly’s warnings about the dangers of using old beauty products- yikes!) to come up with a motley assortment of stuff to put on her hair?? At home?? Hahaha… let’s “keep it real”, shall we?

Anyway, your lil ol’ Thornie, aka the Anti – Pioneer Woman, was goin’ for it, come hell or high water! I came up with an old box of blond highlights with no toner or cap, a bottle of Loreal “copper fury” tint with no directions, a box of $.99 Store Dark Brown and… Eureka! A dusty bottle of 30 volume creme developer! (We won’t even go into the Manic Panic pinks and greens and the Electric Shock blue I found – I guess I didn’t need that drastic a change!).

Halfway through my head change plan I got a surprise.

Company!

I told you about my surprise visitors? They stayed for 2 days.

I have been wandering around Pair – O – Dykes Ranch for four freaking days like this! Company, chores, tattoos… Some time around day 2 I began channeling Jeff Foxworthy and I just couldn’t shut him up.

You might be the Anti – Pioneer Woman, if…

you greet and entertain surprise company with a half bleached, wet head with no toner on it.

You might be the Anti – Pioneer Woman, if…

your own version of The Marlboro Man (in my case, the GirlyBoi) grumbles and whines “I can’t do this” as she pulls your hair and spatters stinging chemicals on your skin while you are slapping at her hands yelling “Not like that!”

You might be the Anti – Pioneer Woman, if…

you use up all the aluminum foil in the pantry while doing your hair.

You might be the Anti – Pioneer Woman, if…

you bleach your hair wearing a white “wife beater” with a black bra!

You might be the Anti – Pioneer Woman, if…

you have to rinse your hair in the tub and…

the best photo you can get of yourself looks like this:

And finally…

You might be the Anti – Pioneer Woman, if…

four freaking days later you are still wondering when you can get to phase two of the Great Head Change Project!
It’s true… I am The Anti – Pioneer Woman!

So what do you think? I’ll just betcha Ree Drummond never gets stuck halfway through a head change!

Jest keepin’ it real in Thornesworld… peace, out!