So here I am. Home, alone. My precious GirlyBoi at work, the kids in thier new home. And I miss that little man so much. He was rarely here during the week; still the kids would pop in to pick up mail and whatnot, and I’d get to see his beautiful smiling face for a few minutes. Watch his face light up as he recognized me. Lift him from his carseat/carrier and cuddle or play with him briefly.

The tuesday before his death was such a day. I was really happy they had come by, as I’d gotten a handful of fun new toys/teethers and what pass for rattles today for him. They are such cool toys; bright colors, a mixture of textures and shapes to stimulate little minds, cute little noises (soft coos and giggles…not the shrill sounds of Fawn’s baby-hood that were so irritating). And clothes. Some lil long sleeved onsies in green and gold with decorative stitching and a tan pair of soft cotton pants to match. And a lil man’s outfit! Oh, my! A tiny collared button down shirt; white with thin black and red plaid lines with a black and grey and red pullover v-necked sweater with black corderoy pants. It was my thought originally to keep those things here for Bishop on the weekends when he was usually with me and Grammy. A few things for him here.

He was groggy from the long car ride and it took him a second to focus as I said “There’s my precious man! Do you have a smile for your Grama, handsome?”, then his face lighted up with a laughing smile and he raised his chubby lil arms to me to be picked up. How could I resist my lil prince? I opened his seatbelt and lifted him saying, “You love your Grama don’t you” and I swore that beautiful baby said, “Ahh Luh You”. (I blew it off as a Grama’s over-active imagination, even though we all were sure that those would be his first words. We all said it to him so often. The morning after he passed, the kids told me he’d started saying it that week. “I love you”. Bless his heart; I didn’t imagine it.)

I picked him up and sat with him on the loveseat in the livingroom. I asked the kids to help me open his new toys. He sat on my lap, straddling one leg and gripping my thigh with his little legs. He sat up on his own, with no support and cooed and laughed and hollered (He was very expressive, and loud, as are we all!) as he tried out each of his new toys. Of course they all went into his mouth. He loved the little bug that flashed as it cooed and made giggle and chirp and uh-oh baby sounds. And the circular red and black and white rattle with the spinning wheel. And the others, all. I’d also picked up a little strappy toy with spinning frogs and beads and mirror for the car seat. We fixed it to the car seat before we put him back in to go home. He loved them all so much, I ended up sending all but the little bug home with them for him. I kissed him and told him I loved him before they left, but he was too intrigued by his new toys to pay Grama much mind by then. The kids said they’d be back on the weekend.

Two weekends have now passed without my lil Pharoah here with me. My arms ache, literally. The weekends are the worst.

I can only imagine what my poor Fawn is going through. And Aaron. That precious baby was so loved. They were so attentive to him. Just loving him every second. For six short months their whole lives; every thought, each act, every decision, every moment- was filled with Bishop. What a huge gaping hole he has left in their lives; in all of us.

I’m trying hard to “do” my life. The joy of it has left me for the nonce. If my heart isn’t filled with grief for the loss of my lil Pharoah, it’s consumed with grief and worry for my Fawn and our Aaron. The future is a “don’t look” for me. The Holidays that I so love loom before me, bleak and joy-less. My holiday season begins with Hallowe’en. It’s the Witch’s New Year, and the most important ritual of the year for me, as I invite my dead; Jerry, my late husband and soulmale, ancestors and friends who have passed to join me for the Holidays. I honor them and their memories with food and drink, stories and mementos. I never dreamed that our lil Pharoah would be among their number. I can hardly bear to look at my Dia De Los Muertos Altar covered with white candles for Bishop’s remembrance. I was so excited about Bishop’s first Yule, and now I don’t know how we can survive it. I can’t think of these things right now. Back to house cleaning.

Love and deepest gratitude to all.